Each week over the summer holiday I’ll be sharing tips and strategies to look after your own wellbeing, based on other parent carers’ lived experience.
Caregiver burnout is real and for some parent carers the summer holiday may feel more like a 4th lockdown, with a lack of resources and support, than a break. Finding ways to take care of your own wellbeing needs, as well as your family’s, is key to pacing yourself over the long holidays. And it’s important to make sure they are things you can incorporate into your day-to-day life, rather than being another thing on your to do list.
One approach, highlighted by positive psychologists, is the experience of being in ‘flow’ [1]. The Olympic gold medallist Matty Lee referred to this recently, where his mind went blank and he went into a state of flow during his final dive. But you don’t have to be an Olympic competitor to reap the rewards.
Flow activities refer to moments where we are fully engaged in an activity and our focus blocks out everything else. This is shown to support our wellbeing. In moments like these we are so fully engaged in the activity that we become part of something bigger. We lose our self-consciousness and our sense of time can change (either going really quickly or slowing down).
Flow can be achieved by many things including our work, yoga, meditation, playing chess, cooking, rock climbing or gardening. It is personal for each person. The key is it’s something you’re invested in, where you’re focused on the journey not just the destination, and there is a balance of challenge and skill.
Another element of flow activities is that they give us a feeling of being in control – we are architects of our own destiny in that moment. Engaging in a task that requires concentration helps (e.g. Sudoku, a colouring in book, knitting, trying to remember the names of your teachers at school in year order).
Studies show that even two minutes focusing, with no distraction, can reduce worries and quieten our inner critic. Choose something that you need to concentrate on but is not so hard that you feel like giving up.
One parent I spoke to, for my research into emotional wellbeing in parents of disabled children, reflected on how playing in a band helped her:
‘It was so absorbing [and is] the only time I don’t think about learning disability.’ – Parent Carer
Research suggests that when we are in flow it affects us physically, for example our breathing deepens and regulates, our heart rate slows down and our blood pressure reduces[2]. This illustrates the intertwining of our physical and mental wellbeing. In another diving reference, Tom Daley has talked of how knitting and crochet have helped his mental health and focus.
Creative process
Flow also links to creativity. Art, music or writing can provide a focus as well as a chance to offload. They can act as a way of externalising worries and anxieties and gaining greater understanding and control over such feelings. Or it can take us away into another world that gives us respite and calm.
‘I write music, I write prose, you write it out, there have been some horrendous times that you just write out and you control that world and you can turn it around.’ – Parent Carer
Often as adults we think that ‘creative play’ is only for children but we can also benefit from this approach. We need to give ourselves permission to engage in creative processes, everyday. If there is something you used to do, but which has fallen by the wayside, try and find a way to bring it back into your life. If this is new to you, what small steps can you take today?
You can follow me @affinityhub
My book, Day by Day: Emotional Wellbeing in Parents of Disabled Children is available here: https://amzn.to/3k1NReK
If you want to read more about positive psychology and the flow state see:
https://positivepsychology.com/
https://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/history-of-happiness/martin-seligman-psychology/
https://www.headspace.com/articles/flow-state
https://www.actionforhappiness.org/
[1] Csikszentmihalyi, M. (2002) Flow: The classic work on how to achieve happiness, London: Random House
[2] Hefferon, K. (2013) Positive Psychology and the Body: The Somatopsychic side to flourishing, Berkshire, UK: Open University Press, p. 36