Each week over the summer holiday I’ll be sharing tips and strategies to look after your own wellbeing, based on other parent carers’ lived experience.
This week I’m focusing on anger, which is possibly an unexpected or controversial topic when thinking about wellbeing.
Anger is often portrayed as a negative emotion or one that we want to get rid of as it doesn’t always feel good to experience it. In fact, often anger is a secondary reaction to a more uncomfortable feeling of sadness or hurt.
However, research is increasingly showing that anger is an approach emotion that causes us to act. In turn, this can bring about positive change in our lives. Whilst we don’t always want to immediately react when we feel angry (in fact emotional regulation is a key part of managing these impulses), if we can channel our anger in a constructive way, it can energise and motivate us. The key is to manage anger in a balanced way – in other words, we choose to respond in productive ways that are not not harmful for us or others. This may involve re-directing anger down a more useful road if our usual route is destructive.
Parent carers may find that at times anger can sustain them while they fight battles, lobby for improved services or get involved in campaigns and petitions. Having a plan to take steps towards a goal can help us feel empowered thereby helping to manage our anger (such as for those with no school places in September this advice from Ipsea may be helpful https://www.ipsea.org.uk/news/back-to-school)
The famous existential author, Simone de Beauvoir, referred to ‘righteous indignation’ giving purpose to our life. Some of the parent carers I spoke to in my research into emotional wellbeing said that anger was helpful in this way. Without it they would not have kept fighting for their child over the long term.
Unfortunately, anger can also lead to us being labelled a ‘difficult parent’ and professionals should be aware of the backdrop that frame parent carers’ lives in order to understand our emotional responses with more empathy.
But (and this is a big but) anger, fighting and the battle in perpetuity can be draining. It can take over our life and every waking moment. It is unsustainable to live in ‘anger mode’ over long periods of time and can have negative health effects.
Therefore, make sure you build in breaks where you do something else – engage in a distraction, talk to a friend about something different, sleep and make time to relax or move your body to get out some of the pent up energy.
Stewing in anger doesn’t help. Using it in short bursts to get things done, can.
Of course there are some things that can’t be changed, however much we may wish they were different. In these circumstances, anger can feel like banging your head against a brick wall. You may need support to move through this stage to find acceptance and self-compassion.
Social media is a great way to connect with others, but it isn’t therapy. If you need professional support speak to your GP, find organisations, such as Contact’s Listening Ear service (https://contact.org.uk/help-for-families/listening-ear/), or private therapists and counsellors with experience of supporting parent carers at www.affinityhub.uk.
For more advice on managing anger click here:
www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/anger-management.htm
https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/anger-how-it-affects-people
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-anger-problems-can-affect-your-health-3145075
Follow me @affinityhub
My book, Day by Day: Emotional Wellbeing in Parents of Disabled Children is available here: https://amzn.to/3k1NReK
