Each week I’ll be sharing tips and strategies to look after your own wellbeing, based on other parent carers’ lived experience.
Humans are social creatures and in my research into emotional wellbeing in parent carers, positive other people were clearly identified as helpful. These may be friends, family members, professionals or often other parent carers. Sometimes, where parents lacked understanding from friends or family, they found it with the special needs community.
As well as understanding, finding our community provides a sense of belonging. It’s worth reaching out to people to ask how they are, or to ask for support. You never know where you may make unexpected, but valuable, connections.
Another aspect that came out strongly amongst the parent carers I spoke to, was the desire to help others. We are often motivated to share what we’ve learnt along the way or to provide the support that we didn’t receive in our times of need.
However, there needs to be a caveat to this as sometimes helping others takes over. It can mean that all our energy is taken up with others’ needs and our own needs do not get met. Or sometimes helping others conceals deep-seated psychological impulses that stop us reflecting on things. If we step in to help others then we can see ourselves as ‘competent’ or ‘in control’ where we may not actually feel that deep down.
Drama triangle
You might recognise that you regularly fall into a certain role with particular people or professionals. Try to stop and notice this. Does it help you? Who’s taking responsibility for whom? Are you doing more than half the work? What are you not getting? Remember that the dynamic between people can change and you can influence that through your own awareness, empowerment and personal growth.
Rather than falling into the famous ‘drama triangle’ – where we have a perpetrator (local authority?) a victim (another parent carer) and rescuer (us) it can be helpful to adopt a more constructive model. In ‘The Winner’s Triangle’[1] there are three positive alternatives: assertiveness, care and vulnerability. Assertiveness involves expressing our interests and needs; caring entails concern for others in a way that empowers rather than rescues them. Finally, vulnerability acknowledges suffering, and the related feelings, without becoming a victim.
Assertiveness also means being specific about what help we want. Do we want comfort and a chance to vent or do we want solutions and problem solving? These are very different things. By being clear we can avoid misunderstandings.
Boundaries
This links to the final point I’d like to make and that is the importance of having boundaries. Some people’s boundaries are very permeable (like a line in the sand that is easily washed away) so people can cross them easily, for example, someone may take on another person’s problems or allow others to treat them in a way that they don’t like.
Conversely, other peoples’ boundaries may become very rigid (like a brick wall) and they will not be moved without force. Although this may protect people it may mean others cannot get close to them and they become isolated. It also fails to allow for the flexibility that we need when dealing with different people.
Flexible boundaries (like a strainer/sieve) allow small safe items to get through to us while keeping larger unwanted items out. It means we are open enough to allow new ideas, thoughts, resources and people near us but protects us from getting hurt by unwanted or unnecessary stressors. For example, if our child is experiencing sensory overload in a supermarket, having flexible boundaries for the parent would involve an openness to their child’s needs and behaviours (trying to understand what they are communicating and need in the moment) but also managing to block out an unhelpful, judgemental comment from a stranger about their child ‘being naughty’.
Respecting our own boundaries may also involve learning to say no. This can be hard and we may want to use other phrases that feel less (potentially) confrontational such as ‘I can’t do that right now’ or in response to some of the ‘helpful’ comments we are offered – ‘that’s a good idea but it wouldn’t work for my family’. (See note above about whether we want comfort or solutions – people often offer solutions because they think that’s comforting). You can also buy yourself time ‘I don’t know if I can make that as I haven’t got my diary so I’ll check later’ or ‘I can help you between 10-12 on that day’ if asked to help. Set your own boundary and a limit.
Make space for yourself in your relationships. Help others and be clear about what help you would like in return. Take a moment to think about your relationships and ask:
- Who do I want to see more or less of?
- What can I do to make this happen?
- What can support me to make this possible?
Wishing you a good week and I’ll be back with more strategies next Sunday.
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My book, Day by Day: Emotional Wellbeing in Parents of Disabled Children is available here: https://amzn.to/3k1NReK
[1] Choy, A. (1990) The winner’s triangle, Transactional Analysis Journal, 20, 1, 40-46