During these uncertain times new challenges will inevitably occur in our daily lives. Some of the experiences that we, as Parent Carers, are going through are particularly unique.
Hard-fought services and support may diminish or disappear. It is a familiar feeling when we realise, in a crisis such as this, that it is often up to us and us alone to look after our children and manage the many complexities that this may entail. I also know that parent carers can show amazing strength, problem-solving skills and perseverance. We are resilient because we have to be.
We can use many of the skills we have developed as parent carers to help us now.
I wanted to look at a few basic tips that may help our wellbeing during this time.
1. Accept uncertainty
We know, probably more than most parents, that we can’t predict the future. New obstacles appear all the time in the life journey of a disabled child and we live knowing that certainty is an impossible thing to achieve in life.
There are things that we can’t change about the current situation. We have to learn to live with them. But even this situation will change.
2. Routine that works for your family
As you are an expert by experience you know what routines work in your household, and what will definitely not. Currently, there is a lot of information, from schools, social media, other families, about what we ‘should’ be doing at home. You know what is possible. Do what you can to make life easier and more comfortable for your child and your family.
It can help to set a boundary between work and rest time. Include your own needs in that routine. For example, if you find doing your child’s Occupational Therapy routine stressful and difficult at home see if there is another way to achieve the same outcome for them without it adding to your own psychological overload.
3. Take time for you
You need this. Even if it’s ten minutes peace and quiet on your own with a cup of tea in a special mug, time spent speaking to a friend or family member who makes you feel uplifted, some form of exercise or watching your favourite programme on TV. It may involve you saying ‘no’ to another (less important) demand on your time.
4. Don’t forget the basics
We all know the important things: eat healthily, drink plenty of water, get enough sleep, exercise, limit coffee and alcohol. But sometimes we forget to do them. It can be hard to maintain them as an everyday priority. But they are vital – every day. A good night’s sleep, because you went to bed slightly earlier, can make or break a situation when we are all at home together. It then enables you to cope with difficulties that may arise during the day. I know it helps me to manage my son’s anxieties better and stay on top of daily demands.
5. Manage stress and anxiety
How you do this will be personal to you. Activities like mindfulness, breathing techniques, calming music, reading, colouring in books or apps, exercise, acceptance and commitment therapy techniques, gratitude exercises can all help. Being out in fresh air, sunlight and nature is well documented as a mood-enhancer (while sticking to the 2 metre rule). Even if you can’t get out sit near a window to make the most of the natural light throughout the day.
Any activity needs to be something you have chosen – that nurtures you and grounds you. Just because others are recommending an activity does not mean it is necessarily right for you. For me, I dislike yoga but use a simple breathing technique when I find myself getting anxious and too caught up in future worries (details below).
Your child may also be anxious and this may come out in different ways – difficulties sleeping, changed eating habits or repetitive behaviours. By managing our own anxieties we can help them to manage theirs.
6. The Right kind of connection
We need to stay socially connected despite physically distancing. But quality is more important than quantity. We may be connected to hundreds of people on social media, but also feel terribly alone.
If you need to prioritise your contact it may be that one good telephone conversation – where you can share how you are feeling, enjoy a distraction or some laughter with a good friend or family member – will be worth more to your wellbeing than scouring social media for hours. Limit the time you spend watching or reading the news and ensure you are only getting your information from trustworthy sources.
7. Movement
Try and prioritise movement every day. It reduces stress, increases energy levels and helps improve sleep. This might involve an online exercise class but can also be incorporated into your everyday activities – housework, walking the dog, running up and down stairs, wheel barrow walking, lifting heavy items or setting up an obstacle course around the house. Some are good to do with your child. Even when you’re sitting down try to change your position slightly every 30 minutes.
8. Remember to tell yourself ‘Well done’
Remember to recognise what you’ve achieved each day. It’s natural for human beings to focus more on the negatives of the day so it takes practice and conscious effort to re-focus on the positives. Every day there will be positives, though – cleaning out a cupboard, connecting with your child, laughing at a joke, seeing blossom on a tree, learning something new or just managing to get through the day. Acknowledge and celebrate these achievements. We are living in extraordinary times which require kindness to ourselves, our loved ones and our community.
Simple Breathing Exercise
This only takes a few seconds and you can do it wherever you are. You can do this at times of stress as well as practising regularly throughout the day.
- Take a deep breath, slow breath in and hold for 5 seconds. Feel your stomach expand as you do this
- Breath out slowly
- As you breath out concentrate on exhaling ALL the air in your lungs
- Breathe in again, slow and steady
- If you are alone you could make a noise like WHOO as you do this to help you feel the air being let out.
- Keep the outbreath going for as long as you can. Keep it relaxed for a few seconds before you inhale again.
Continue until you can feel yourself relaxing & your shoulders dropping
Affinityhub.uk was created by Joanna Griffin, a Parent Carer and Counselling Psychologist, currently researching ‘Emotional Wellbeing in Parents of Children with a Learning and/or Developmental Disability’. The website signposts to organisations and private practitioners that provide emotional support for parents of disabled children / children with additional needs. The site outlines common emotional responses and quotes from other parents.
If you would like to share your view on what type of Parent Carer Wellbeing Online Peer Support would be beneficial during the coronavirus lockdown please complete a survey here: https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/K8CJXBF